I am in the most awful compromising situation that I can imagine being in and I need to speak to people to get their opinion about how to deal with it as I simply can't see a way in which I am going to be able to so.
I had been seeing a girl casually for 2 months at which point we mutually decided that it wasn't working and that we didn't love each other and that it was best if we went our own ways. whats more she was (is) not from this country and has been here on a professional work exchange for a period of 1 year. This was also one of the reasons that contributed to our decision.
I had been very clear with her from the outset that I am not ready for fatherhood and that should a mistake happen I would not be in favour of going through with the pregnancy. She had said that she felt the same way.
Having said that though I did not rely on this as a safety net and before sleeping with one other we both had HIV tests (both negative) and were using protection up until a point when she began taking the pill.
She also told me that she had been practising the rhythm method as an extra precaution which although out of my hands was piece of mind. I felt very safe and secure in this knowledge and never for a moment thought that we were in danger.
Now however 2 weeks after breaking up she has come to me and told me that she is 6 weeks pregnant and that although she had not intended to deceive me she had in fact stopped taking the pill during the final throws of our relationship under the impression that the rhythm method would protect her. This was when she had fallen pregnant. Had she told me this beforehand I would not have slept with her unprotected.
Furthermore upon discussing our options she has informed me that she can not bear to go through with an abortion (medical or surgical) and that she intends on keeping the child despite the fact that I have offered to provide full financial and emotional support (which she knows that she can depend on) in order to do so. She also tells me that she plans on returning to her home country (which I wont name but is 7hours flight from me and which I have no legal right to reside in) and that "she doesn't expect anything of me financially or emotionally".
This however is no solace whatsoever and I simply can not bear the thought of what the this future holds for us. In fact in trying to express my heartache to her I have likened this scenario to an abortion for men as I will, not only have to face the inevitable social stigma of being a drop kick father, but more pertinently will have a hole in my heart for the rest of my days knowing that my child, my flesh and blood, is growing up without me in it's life. The negative aspects of this scenario are just innumerable.
So what it amounts to is that not only is my fate sealed but I have absolutely no say in the matter. This has left me feeling vulnerable, helpless and betrayed to a point I can not express.
In truth I am not sure what level of responsibility I am ready or willing to accept as I still cant get my mind around the fact that I am in this situation however the fact that in all likelihood I will simply be a long distance father that has little or no influence in the life of this child just kills me. It stands in opposition to everything I believe a father should be and I am petrified that this scenario could literally change my mental state of balance and the course of my life.
As dramatic as that may sound I am in such a bleak place right now and so removed of options I have reached a point where I am desperate and beyond cry and fall into a state of depression all I am left with is pleading with her to come to her senses.
I keep saying to her that all I ask is to that she take some responsibility for the fact that her decision not to tell me about coming off the pill has led to this situation and help me help her go back to the way things were. Go back to point where we could make decisions about our lives that would not have such a profound, and in all likelihood negative, influence over the other. I went to reset things.
I know I am not asking something that she objects to ethically and as much as the thought of abortion repels me, at 6 weeks I am steadfast in my belief that I am not taking a life as I define it.
I appreciate any advice you can offer me. What are your suggestions. Can I force her to stay in the country? Do I want to? I dont know if I am ready for this challenge even if it was an option. Has anyone else been in this situation and could offer me some advice on how it has effected them and how they dealt with it and perhaps how some peace of mind has come from it?
Im so scared that this will lead inevitably to bitterness and potentially vengeance as I can already feel this emotions creeping into my thoughts.
kind regards
Anon
I had been seeing a girl casually for 2 months at which point we mutually decided that it wasn't working and that we didn't love each other and that it was best if we went our own ways. whats more she was (is) not from this country and has been here on a professional work exchange for a period of 1 year. This was also one of the reasons that contributed to our decision.
I had been very clear with her from the outset that I am not ready for fatherhood and that should a mistake happen I would not be in favour of going through with the pregnancy. She had said that she felt the same way.
Having said that though I did not rely on this as a safety net and before sleeping with one other we both had HIV tests (both negative) and were using protection up until a point when she began taking the pill.
She also told me that she had been practising the rhythm method as an extra precaution which although out of my hands was piece of mind. I felt very safe and secure in this knowledge and never for a moment thought that we were in danger.
Now however 2 weeks after breaking up she has come to me and told me that she is 6 weeks pregnant and that although she had not intended to deceive me she had in fact stopped taking the pill during the final throws of our relationship under the impression that the rhythm method would protect her. This was when she had fallen pregnant. Had she told me this beforehand I would not have slept with her unprotected.
Furthermore upon discussing our options she has informed me that she can not bear to go through with an abortion (medical or surgical) and that she intends on keeping the child despite the fact that I have offered to provide full financial and emotional support (which she knows that she can depend on) in order to do so. She also tells me that she plans on returning to her home country (which I wont name but is 7hours flight from me and which I have no legal right to reside in) and that "she doesn't expect anything of me financially or emotionally".
This however is no solace whatsoever and I simply can not bear the thought of what the this future holds for us. In fact in trying to express my heartache to her I have likened this scenario to an abortion for men as I will, not only have to face the inevitable social stigma of being a drop kick father, but more pertinently will have a hole in my heart for the rest of my days knowing that my child, my flesh and blood, is growing up without me in it's life. The negative aspects of this scenario are just innumerable.
So what it amounts to is that not only is my fate sealed but I have absolutely no say in the matter. This has left me feeling vulnerable, helpless and betrayed to a point I can not express.
In truth I am not sure what level of responsibility I am ready or willing to accept as I still cant get my mind around the fact that I am in this situation however the fact that in all likelihood I will simply be a long distance father that has little or no influence in the life of this child just kills me. It stands in opposition to everything I believe a father should be and I am petrified that this scenario could literally change my mental state of balance and the course of my life.
As dramatic as that may sound I am in such a bleak place right now and so removed of options I have reached a point where I am desperate and beyond cry and fall into a state of depression all I am left with is pleading with her to come to her senses.
I keep saying to her that all I ask is to that she take some responsibility for the fact that her decision not to tell me about coming off the pill has led to this situation and help me help her go back to the way things were. Go back to point where we could make decisions about our lives that would not have such a profound, and in all likelihood negative, influence over the other. I went to reset things.
I know I am not asking something that she objects to ethically and as much as the thought of abortion repels me, at 6 weeks I am steadfast in my belief that I am not taking a life as I define it.
I appreciate any advice you can offer me. What are your suggestions. Can I force her to stay in the country? Do I want to? I dont know if I am ready for this challenge even if it was an option. Has anyone else been in this situation and could offer me some advice on how it has effected them and how they dealt with it and perhaps how some peace of mind has come from it?
Im so scared that this will lead inevitably to bitterness and potentially vengeance as I can already feel this emotions creeping into my thoughts.
kind regards
Anon
